Well, I’ve done it again. Went to a restaurant next to work because I was too lazy to bring lunch from home. (those candies won’t crush themselves, after all!) I order a fried chicken breast sandwich…then I figure…let me order something healthier. I order fish. HELLO…IT’S FRIED?!?
So much for healthier. I ate a big portion of the fish – losing ‘only some’ of the coating, and tossed the rest. I am so wishing I’d made a salad or brought a shake or did something, ANTHING better than this choice. And while I waited for it to be cooked where was my mind? NOT on the bad choice I’d just made or choosing a better option….not even on cancelling it (heaven forfend!) and risking total momentary embarrassment. Hell no…my mind was on planning dinner out with friends for the coming weeks and the next level in Bubble Witch Saga!
SERIOUSLY?? WHAT was I thinking? We all know I wasn’t, but that’s beside the point. I finished as much as I could/wanted/dared to eat and thought…WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN?? These habits and nasty choices GOT me 100 pounds overweight…a life-altering forever changed kind of surgical choice got me 85 pounds healthier before I gained back 30. I’m down another 5, and go and eat one of the baddest choices there is to choose.
So, my question is WHY do we repeatedly make the same choices, beating our heads against the wall, beating ourselves up afterwards, and in the WLS patient sense, physically suffering for up to 8 hours after? I know old habits die hard, but I’m almost 7 yrs post-op now! Part of this for me, is that once I was healed physically, I was made to feel badly by hubby who was afraid I’d find someone else – as if there could BE anyone better? Not likely. And my sister, who I love dearly, but was envious that my weight was coming off in a snap, while hers was non-surgical and much slower. Point is I LET them sabotage me. So I guess in a way, all three of us conspired to push my ‘honeymoon phase’ off track.
Having recently been to the WLSFA fundraiser in Vegas just last month, I came home with new resolution and new resolve to be the best ME I can and put my health concerns first. And to some extent I have – docs appts, walking 2 miles a day and far more seriously training for my first 5K with my daughter, but the food? Not so much. I was so mad when I went to my check up for my diabetes and found my A1c went up FIVE POINTS to 8.5 in just a few months! OMG it was lower before the Vegas resolve!
I’m drinking more water, eating well for the most part, and choosing different snacks now – the healthier kind – most of the time. I’m walking 1.5 to 2 miles a day six out of seven days a week, and I’m starting to feel like YES, dammit I’M WORTH IT. The sacrifice of a fleeting delicious sensation of certain foods that will only do more damage. I’m worth that. The boredom of writing down each blood sugar draw, each morsel eaten, the calories, the protein, the carbs, the dosage taken if any – logging in the water per day, the exercise per day. YES, I’M WORTH IT. My unhappiness in myself and the outcome is a direct result of the work I’ve put in lately. Which ain’t as much as I want it to be. We ARE a people who now expect instant gratification. Feh! I’ve told my daughter that anything worth having is NEVER easy, and it’s usually not quick. Sure, I’d love to wake up thin the way I remember waking up a size 24 one day, but that’s not honest. No more kidding myself, at least not today. This is my struggle today. Time to do better….because I know better.
WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER. – Maya Angelou